Busy Doc.?

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.

Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."

He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"

"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."

Am I smart?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Insinuation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because your feet ain't empty."

Students!

A college student talks to God

O Lord, hear my anxious plea

Calculus is killing me

I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'

And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour

As I take my case to the highest power.

I care not for fame or loot

Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see

One passing mark in organic chemistry.

Oh such a thing I constantly dread

I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign

That you've been listening all the time.

Please lead me out of this constant coma

And give me a shot at my diploma.

Politicians and Lies.

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes
into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash
and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the
politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."

I didn't do it.

Peter is walking along the road one day when he meets his former friend James, who is a mobster:
Peter: James!
James: Peter! We haven't spoken for ages.
Peter: I am so surprised to see you here. Thought you were in jail!
James: Indeed, I was on trial for tax evasion last year, but I was discharged.
Peter: Weren't you were 'guilty as hell' as everyone said?
James: Sure, but 2 of the witnesses declined to testify and the 3rd committed suicide.
Peter: Suicide?
James: He stabbed himself on the back three times and threw himself into a river.
James: What do you think happened.

Money change talk.

An 18 years-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room
with the father, the mother and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again!"

Madam and Housemaid

A housewife realizing that the housemaid had started behaving funny
decided to disengage her one morning.

Madam: "Chinyere why u dey behave anyhow these days? abi u dey craze
self? E be like say u no wan know ya mate for this house again o. U
carry craze for head? Abi face no dey fear face for ya village?"

Chinyere: "Look at you, which kind wife wey u be? Afterall my food dey
sweet pass ur own...."

Madam: "Ehn who told you u cook better than i do?"

Chinyere: "Oga now..."

Madam: "Lord have mercy. Papa Nkechi is coming to meet me in this
house... Na war between me and am today. Oooh no wonder... I dey
suspect since..."

Chinyere: "That's not all, I'm even better than u in bed..."

Madam: "Yeepa.. I'm finished. So... Who told u such thing?"

Chinyere: "The driver."

Madam: "Uhmm Chi baby, Chinyerry, Chinlosky...come here ehn... Good
girl.
Abeg no let Oga hear that one. OK...."

Yeye Man.

A guy is traveling in a train. On the way, he feels the urge to go to the toilet. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, and sees another inside; quickly apologizes, and comes back to his seat, not realizing that he had only looked into the mirror in the bathroom. Repeated attempts prove futile as every time he opens the door, he finds the same guy in the exact same position.
Not being able to take it anymore, he hunts down the conductor and relates his sorry tale. The conductor promises to take a look, goes to the bathroom to oust the offender, and returns with a sheepish look on his face.
"What's wrong?", asks the guy. To which the conductor replies, "I'm sorry, brother I can't do anything, this man is a railway staff member".

Clever Arrangment.

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son,



Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case, "



Next Jack approaches Bill Gates,

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case, "



Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank,

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case"